Cara Confused’s nectar-filled fanny
NB. The link in the last paragraph of this article is very Not Safe For Work
Hmmm. What's going on here then? Apparently you can get nectar points from Confused.com by blah blah blah whatever.
Anyway, what's actually interesting about this is that Confused.com is continuing to plough a rather genitalia-fixated furrow. As ever there are plenty of bouncing breasts on display here but, also as ever, the main focus is on Cara Confused.com's vagina.
You know the one, the vagina that is apparently the gateway to another dimension – one that allows for objects as big as cars to be stashed up Cara's muff.
This new advert introduces another talent her minge apparently possesses. It apparently produces nectar points. It's rather coyly skipped over in the ad, but if you go the trouble of playing it frame-by-frame (something I think we can all agree is vital research) it's clear that what nestles between Cara's legs isn't simply a honeypot. It's, well, a nectarpot.
Not only that but a dog emerges from between Cara's legs with its tongue lolling out of its mouth. Cara looks perturbed, as well she might after depositing a vase full of nectar points from her vagina, having apparently been licked there by a dog. As for Cara's breasts? Well, she may want to check with her private clinic that no French silicone went into her implants, as they seem to have grown significantly since last year.
What to make of all this? Well, if Confused.com thinks that playing up the bouncing breasts and multi-talented clunge works for them so be it. It seems fairly clear that this is no longer - if it ever was - a mistake. A game developed by Confused.com called Cara's Magic Pocket seems to confirm this.
So, where do we go from here? Maybe Confused.com will follow Churchill (now with Martin Clunes) and add a celebrity to partner Cara in future ads. Imagine Jeff Brazier falling, dripping out of Cara's vajayjay. Or Sian Lloyd reaching up into Cara's womb, James Herriot-style, and pulling out a loyalty card. Or the entire Four Poofs and a Piano tumbling out and striking up a tune?
Arresting images all. Bot quite as arresting as these images from Rule 34 of Cara engaged in some rather naughty activities. Confused.com may deprecate them, but with ads like this one on the go, they've no-one to blame but themselves.
Creepiest corporate mascots?
Slate has a feature on this, naming the original Ronald MacDonald (paedophil-beverage-holder-chic); Big Boy (ventriloquist-dummy-psychopathy); Chuck-E-Cheese (crack-bear-living-under-baseball-stadium) and Wienerschnitzel’s The Delicious One (cock-in-a-bap) as some of the worst.
There are some I don't think are creepy at all, including the Michelin Man (Bibendum) - a comforting, jolly type to my mind, especially after Michelin paid for me to spend a day destroying their wares while attached to Porsche 911s at Silverstone.
I can think of far more creepy ad characters to be honest. What about this terrifyingly vacant twat who spends all night watching you sleep and then shows you his meat?
How about these Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville, or Giant Walking Cock One and Giant Walking Cock Two, as I call them.
Or Barry Scott - a man determined to shout in your face about a chemical scourer. A disturbed man with case notes as thick as your wrist rocking on the back of a bus.
Even Cara Confused - a wobbly-eyed fruitloop with a haunted fanny and, almost certainly, a house that stinks of cat piss.
Some ads have courted frightening characters recently, inlcuding Bird's Eye, with a Mafiosa-like polar bear lurking in fridges and chastising - perhaps even threatening - people for buying cheap frozen goods.
And there's always the suicidal Pepperami things that derive some visceral pleasure from being violently pulled apart.
I like the Pepperami one particularly - it's funny and it fits the brand, but I'm generally unsure about ads that suggest some sort of implicit - or explicit - threat. The Bird's Eye ad, particularly, is quite amusing but if you're basically implying that your customers will receive a horse's head to the bed and a bullet to the face for not buying branded chicken dippers that seems rather problematic.
For my money you can't beat Ronald MacDonald, in any of his guises. Clowns are fundamentally frightening, align that with all of MacDonalds' dubious pester-power marketing; numerous environmental issues and their fucking horrible food and you have a right bastard of a corporate mascot.
Here's one from my youth that used to creep me out, despite the fact that it's a great ad and had the comforting voice of Brian Wilde behind it.
And another that used to drive my infant brother to terrified screams. Still gives me the willies. Wonder what Mr Soft's willy was like.
Big boy image by elycefeliz ; Chuck-E-Cheese image by Mr Cortes
C***fused.com
Suffice it to say I don't enjoy Confused.com's karaoke adverts and would gladly throw Cara Confused in the path of a particularly swift, spiky train but there's something that goes beyond a simple dislike - it's the weirdness of it all. Where are they trying to take these ads and why the odd choices of songs, bizarre pitch and peculiar details?
Chief among these is the fact that Cara apparently pulls things out of her vagina that have no business being there. Cars, laptops, flowers, a mic stand, Russell Harty...
"A-ha!," comes an inevitable response. "You noticed it, so it works!" Personally I think this argument is absolute balls, particularly when it comes to aligning your brand with cavernous vaginas, but if it keeps the guys at Confused.com Towers amused then who am I to argue?
Readers are also confused by this scatalogical, nay gynaecological, development in the adverts - hence the following actual keyword phrases people have been typing into their browsers on their journey towards the site.
Those whose curiosity develops even further may want to direct their browsers at the even-more NSFW Rule 34 website for more pictorial suggestions as to exactly what Cara has lodged up her funnel.
Cara Confused.com's fanny keywords
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anyone else noticed the fact that in the confused.com advert she pulls an eintire mic and stand out of herself
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confused.com advert... she pulls a laptop out her vag ??.....
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Not only that but there's seemingly more of a trend in the more recent ads for enormous bouncing breasts all over the place...
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Your favourite price comparison website advert is…
Is there such thing as a 'favourite price-comparison website advert'? It's a bit like 'favourite dictator' or 'favourite plague-carrying creature' really isn't it? The least of several evils or somesuch.
Still, I was curious as to whether it was possible to create something memorable and reasonably enjoyable - or 'reasonably not irritating' at least - so I created a poll to find out the UK's favourite price-comparison adverts, and form what would almost certainly be the most incisive, wide-ranging, in-depth and analytical, er, analysis of the ads ever prepared - ever.
Something that works for the advertiser and doesn't drive viewers to murderous, visceral hatred. Let's face it, creating a price-comparison advert that doesn't drive people to uncontrolled defecation several times a day is a massive win in these stakes.
With the number of votes nearing 100 I decided that the time was right to analyse the results. Well, that and the fact that I was quickly losing interest in the topic.
I had a feeling one would be way out in front, with the other three rooted to the foot of the table (to borrow a phrase used by every sports commentator when discussing Premiership football), with a sprinkling of 'Fuck you! They all suck!' responses - which are entirely reasonable under the circumstances - fighting it out with Confused.com and Go Compare.
But while I was correct on the first count - there was a runaway winner with over half of the vote - I was surprised that one of the competitors pushed the leader close for a long time before taking second place with almost one third of the total vote.
What does this tell us? Well, firstly it seems to tell us that people are indeed amused by - and fond of - Aleksandr Orlov, the Russian meerkat perpetually frustrated by idiot internetters mistaking his rodent-prostitution website for a price-comparison website.
For what it's worth I think the CompareTheMeerkat adverts are by far the best of the bunch, with a clear message and clarity of brand and purpose. And a neat, amusing pun to boot. Well done to agency VCCP for achieving the seemingly impossible.
Runner-up was Omid Djalili's efforts as Haggle Hero for MoneySupermarket adverts, a bonkers Iranian mithering unlikely celebrities for not trying to get better deals on their insurance.
I found the Nigel Mansell and John Prescott ads pretty good the first couple of times I saw them - the ads settling into a comfortable routine after some initially dubious first efforts - and the fact that Djalili's arrival heralded the departure of that Peter Jones berk and his series of embarrassing ads raises it even higher in my eyes.
As Germaine Greer reportedly said of the Jones adverts: "I thought being rich meant you didn't have to suck that kind of cock." Nice one Germaine.
Third place was taken by Confused.com with its brilliant set of adverts featuring a swivel-eyed bouncing-breasted fruit loop warbling bad karaoke that makes everyone think it's a dating service.
My thoughts are well-documented, but I will recount a conversation I recently had with someone who works at Confused.com - the gist of which is that everyone at Confused.com is well aware of how awful the ads are apart from the marketing department. Make of that what you will.
Second to the bottom were a series of responses that would normally comprise the 'Don't know' option, but in this case comprised a kind of 'Fuck you! They're all shit!' option. Fair enough.
And in last place - somewhat surprisingly to me - was poor old Gio Compario, the fat tenor, who finds himself in a series of unlikely situations singing operatically about price comparison websites.
Sheer overexposure? Is it time to kill off Gio? Hardly - while it's possible to read something into the good results for CompareTheMarket.com and MoneySupermarket.com it's less clear to discern whether people actually dislike the Confused.com or GoCompare.com adverts.
Perhaps they just don't make as much of an impression; perhaps the adverts are disliked, though that doesn't say much of their penetration; perhaps people are overfamiliar with them. And perhaps the people who are more inclined to like it are less likely to stumble across this website and vote for all sorts of reasons. They don't use the computer; they don't search the web; they didn't find this website; they don't search for bad adverts websites; SEO; blindness; mental derangement.
What I'm saying is that this is hardly scientific. Having said that I'm going to pretend it is, because a spot of own-trumpet-blowing never did anyone any harm.
So there you have it. Aleksandr Orlov - aka CompareTheMarket.com/CompareTheMeerkat.com - is the winner. Imagine the CGI meerkat receiving a golden turd mounted on fist with a single, middle, upraised finger. And Djalili getting a silver one. And Cara Confused having her stupid goggle-eyed head cleaved in two by a giant scythe.
And understand that I still hate them all.