There are some new mocked-up adverts floating around the web at the moment - based on the idea of ads saying what they really mean. So MacDonalds one says 'you deserve it' or something, which isn't really far off what the real ones say. They're quite funny but a bit cutesy and hardly irreverent - and the effect on my brain was to send me off in a rather different direction.
I thought I'd have a go myself - not being averse to a bit of Photoshoppery in my day - but, having fucked around with a few layers, I decided to drop any pretence of sophistication and came up with the following rag-tag efforts.
They display the entire gamut of what amounts to any wit I may have - showcasing my phenomenal grasp of political satire and almost dadaist use of toilet humour to subvert corporate Britain.
McDonalds
Rice Krispies
Durex
The Sun
Footy
Tesco
Banks
Cowell
With apologies to John Carpenter and Rowdy Roddy Piper
Just imagine that it's your job to acknowledge, research, pontificate upon and judge the complaints of absolutely anyone into your chosen profession. Any complaint whatsoever. Even if it's clearly ridiculous.
That's just what the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has to do every day. How much time and resource and money is eaten up in this process? And how does it move forward the human condition in any way?
It does not, of course it does not. But a world without someone watching over the sort of people who make advertising and marketing material would be a frightening place.
You only have to look at how some advertisers deliberately push the rules to breaking point, comfortable in the knowledge that - by the time someone has bothered to complain and the complaint has been upheld, your message has hit the ether.
I think the ASA a good thing. But the following post - an ASA adjudication on a complaint over a Toyota advert - just how ludicrous advertising can get.
Just read over it and imagine you were the person that complained; the person at the ASA that adjudicated; the person at Toyota who had to prepare this response. And marvel at the lunatic scenario they're all playing out.
ASA Adjudication on Toyota (GB) PLC
Toyota (GB) PLC
Date: 22 February 2012
Media: National press
Sector: Motoring
Number of complaints: 1
Complaint Ref: A11-180183
Ad
A national press ad for a car manufacturer featured two images of Toyota vehicles, one below the other. The top image was a Toyota in snowy conditions accompanied with the text, "From the North Pole ..." The bottom image was a Toyota on a road, accompanied with the text, "... to Northampton". Text below stated "... you can rely on a Toyota 4x4 to get you there. As the manufacturer of the only cars to make it to the North Pole, please don't be surprised if you're the only one that makes it out of the driveway this winter. Find your Toyota 4x4 at [website]".
Issue
The complainant challenged whether the ad was misleading because they believed that Toyota only made it to the 1996 position of the magnetic North Pole, not to the geographic North Pole.
CAP Code (Edition 12)
3.13.383.7
Response
Toyota (GB) Plc (Toyota) did not believe that the ad was materially misleading. They pointed out that there were four 'North Poles': the Geographic North Pole (also known as True North), the Magnetic North Pole, the Geomagnetic North Pole and the North Pole of Inaccessibility. However they said that the public at large would generally understand the claim as referring to one of the first two.
They said that the challenges presented by trying to reach any of the North Poles by car were broadly similar, namely: very low temperatures, low traction on snow and ice, rough terrain and thin areas of ice. They said the message of the ad was to convey that consumers could rely on a Toyota to get them to their destination in winter because they engineered cars that performed even in extreme conditions. They said, in this context, the material aspect of the claim was that their car had completed a significant journey in such an environment without mechanical failure.
Toyota did not believe that in this context it was useful to consumers to clarify that their claim referred to the 'Magnetic' North Pole as opposed to the 'Geographic' North Pole because they maintained that what a reader would take away from the ad was that they had produced a car that performed in extreme conditions.
Assessment
Not upheld
We noted that the complainant believed the ad was misleading because the journey that Toyota referred to was to the 1996 position of the Magnetic North Pole, which was closer to land than the fixed location of the Geographic North Pole. However, we agreed with Toyota that what consumers would understand from the ad was that Toyota had engineered a car that could withstand extreme conditions and that this had been proven in a significant journey. We did not consider that a consumer's decision whether or not to purchase a Toyota would be greatly affected by the knowledge that the claim in the ad referred to the Magnetic North Pole as opposed to the Geographic North Pole; therefore we did not consider it necessary to clarify this in the ad. For these reasons we concluded that the ad was not materially misleading or in breach of the Code.
We investigated the ad under CAP Code (Edition 12) 3.1 (Misleading advertising), 3.7 (Substantiation) and 3.38 (Other comparisons) but did not find it in breach.
I was in a chip shop recently and saw these two wonders of print advertising. They are undeniably terrible, but I like them. They're not trying to be anything other than what they are.
Namely, that means a pair of sausages being all lovey-dovey while sitting on a plate of chips; and three girls in the back of a taxi, happily sharing a dirty kebab.
In the case of the latter it's a bit silly. I doubt these girls would see a 'great night' ending with a load of reconstituted, mechanically-recovered meat - but who am I to argue?
In the case of the second there's something very old-fashioned and gauche about this. It features two anthropomorphic sausages, very much in love because, well, because they're sausages. And people love sausages.
"Love is... McWhinneys Sausages," it tells us. These sausages represent, we're told, "love at first bite". Love seems to be a common theme with McWhinneys' marketing materials. Take a look at this:
This is an advert by McWhinneys about sausages, riffing off Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love. It's called Addicted to Love - Sausage Parody. Its killer line is "Gonna have to face it; it's McWhinneys I love".
At the end of the advert a giant sausage joins the sausage-loving band. I find it hard to believe that - at the end of it all - the entire cast and crew didn't simply get down on their hands and knees and weep.
But, hey. These are a bit inept and a bit silly. But at least they're honest. At least they're not trying to annoy us. At least they're not up their own backsides. At least they're not trying to drum some crapulous mantra into our heads. At least they're simple, good, honest shit adverts.
Final thought. Sausages having sex. How does that work? Happy New Year.
There's a very easy - and wholly unbelievable - get-out that advertisers can use in these cases; if you find something naughty about the image then that's your look-out. Not only that, but you're a filthy pervert to boot.
I suppose, put that way, there's really nothing at all that's odd about having Nigella 'I'm shoving a banana down my throat and spraying cream over my tits' Lawson looking beatific while 'salted caramel' drips down her face at all - and the fact that it appears as if La Lawson is on the receiving end of a popular pornographic shot that's increasingly referenced in popular culture is pure coincidence.
This isn't new - look at the longstanding 'Got Milk' (Make Mine Milk in the UK) adverts. Shots of famous and beautiful women with what looks like milk smeared across their lips.
You could just about get away with claiming that there's no innuendo there, but that's rather blown out of the water by these images featuring Josie Maran squeezing a teat and spraying mile all over her smiling, open-mouthed, tongue-out face.
Not convinced? Try these Russian milk adverts from a couple of years that at least have the nerve to be honest about what's being referenced here: milk = jizz.
Enjoy your cornflakes.
NB. An incoming link to this post from a French post described Nigell thusly: Nigella, c’est la superwoman brit’ sexy, très fameuse pour ses émissions télé pleines de slurp slurp sensualité -diffusées sur CuisineTV dans notre contrée. Certains l’ont même surnommée Queen of food porn.
