What the FaceTime advert really means
If you don't have an iPhone... you don't have FaceTime on your phone. Which means you can't drunkenly sext face-to-face; displaying your pasty naked body to a shocked object of your missplaced teen affections.
FaceTime = WankTime.
Sickening bonus fact: Type 'facetime' into your iPhone or iPad and it will autocorrect it into 'FaceTime'.
RIP Len Ganley
Snooker ref Len Ganley, who died recently, appeared in this memorable ad for Carling Black Label - as it was known then - that I rather like.
It's hardly complicated and it's pretty sledgehammer stuff, but amusing enough - especially when you consider how lager ads these days seem to consists solely of footy blokes standing around in pubs looking gormless or cheering at imaginary television showing imaginary Premiership footy.
Now then, everyone do the Len Ganley stance...
Disgusting Haribo advert
Woah mama, what is this? Is it actually an advert? Or is it a stream of consciousness from a fevered ad exec, tongue lolling hideously from mouth, sweating and shivering in his soaked sheets, fretting about being unable to fulfil the Haribo creative brief?
It's like it was vomited forth from someone's subconscious. Someone only vaguely thinking about what a Haribo ad might look like.
"Umm, dancing family... eating sweets, chewy... er.... there's probably a dog in there somewhere..."
And the lyrics, if you can call them that? They're just a load of keywords from a creative brief arranged into some sort of vague structure aren't they? Even so there's a bit of an ooh-err missus feel to them:
"Oh so smooth; love them soft; squidgy squidgy baby!"
There are some fairly disturbing connotations right there. As for that terrible jingle, 'the happy world of Haribo', I'm unconvinced that I'd be overly happy living in the world of Haribo.
A world where everything looks and tastes a bit like rubber and no-one over the age of 25 has any teeth? No thanks.
Haribo seems to have acquired something of a reputation in recent years that makes even adults go a bit funny, like the way morons get excited about going to MacDonalds, as if it's the greatest bounty one could wish for in life.
I'm happy to do my bit to puncture that notion. Haribo sweets are fucking horrible. They're tasteless, they're sticky and chewy, like a bit of gooey snot you can't get off your fingers; they're the sweet equivalent of White Lightning.
If you buy Haribo and you're over the age of 10 you're an idiot. Just not as much of an idiot as these adverts seem to think.
Epic Nature Valley maths fail?
Social networks have been all aflutter with an EPIC MATHS FAIL from Nature Valley - they make flapjacks - on a front page ad on Metro today.
The oat-rollers declared that they have increased the deliciousness of their bars by 200% by, er, adding another bar to the existing one.
Leaving aside the fact that doubling deliciousness is a tricky task at the best of times - and a nebulous one at that - you would only need to increase deliciousness by 100% if you're doubling the amount of bars; assuming you think that doubling in size equals doubling deliciousness.
How silly Nature Valley must feel! How ridiculous that their #ELEMENTARY MATHS FAIL is being seen by people all of the country! How stupid they must feel that everyone on Twitter and Facebook and blogs is talking about their delicious, oaty, sweet flapjacks!
Mmmm. Delicious, oaty, sweet flapjacks....