Crimes against advertising: Ian Wright
Seriously, how on Earth does Ian Wright keep getting television programmes? The man is one of the least appealing characters on British television, but he's been inescapable for the last 20 years.
Wright began his television career in terrible adverts before graduating to terrible chat shows and the like. Why? Who knows? Why not Les Ferdinand, Chris Armstrong, Andy Cole, Teddie Sheringham or Chris Sutton? At least two of them have shown themselves to be much more engaging footie pundits than Wright, who eventually took himself off to Gladiators in search of more serious TV fare, having sulked or squealed his way through Match of the Day for a few years.
For whatever reason, Wright was earmarked as one of the chosen few who'd go on to make more money after his footballing career had finished than he did prior to it (see also Andy Gray, Jamie Redknapp, Chris Kamara).
Most of the adverts below seem to show Wright as a thoroughly irritating tit, acting like a berk in just about every single one. He does show the occasional spark of comic timing, but I've never found him to be anything other than charmless and tiresome.
Interestingly, Five seems to have made an entire advert for its risible Live From Studio Five programme to showcase Wright's most awful traits; chiefly witless, uninformed jabbering.
There are a couple of good ads here – the Nike battle against a footballing demon; the ad for Swedish betting outfit Stryktipset; and the tolerable Ladbrokes cafe effort, though that's largely down to Ally McCoist (see also: Ladbrokes 2010 World Cup ad).
The most egregious – where Wright visited an Arsenal fan's house to use his phone, only for said fan to stand around dribbling and repeating Wright's name – doesn't seem to have found its way onto the interweb.
That's a shame, because it may have served as a warning from history against the following two decades of utterly appalling advertising from the gobby twat.
NB. In addition to all the spots below, Wright has also filmed adverts for Nescafe, Pizza Hut, Asda, Kellogg's, One2One, Privilege, CarpetRight, Thomas Cook and Walkers. He must have a fucking phenomenal agent.
Dead Dad Paul Whitehouse in crass Aviva ad emotional blackmail extravaganza
Emotional manipulation is nothing new in advertising, think of those kindly old faces plugging life insurance for when they're six feet under, but it's surely never been so in-your-face.
Look at poor Dead Dad Paul Whitehouse. He's dead, as is indicated by his white apparel - long such proscribed as the attire for dead human beings, as laid out in Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) - but at least he provided for his kids with a life insurance policy UNLIKE YOU YOU FUCKING MISERLY, IRRESPONSIBLE, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A FATHER.
What happens if you snuff it eh? There'll be no dead Dad to look after your wife and kids BECAUSE YOU SPENT THAT CASH ON A FUCKING FLATSCREEN TV RATHER THAN PUTTING A BIT OF MONEY AWAY EVERY MONTH, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UTTER BASTARD?
No matey, the only people who'll be around your house when you're six feet under ROTTING IN HELL ARE THE FUCKING BAILIFFS. SELLING YOUR KIDS AND TOUCHING YOUR MISSUS INAPPROPRIATELY.
Unless it's actually Paul Whitehouse himself, bringing your poor widowed wife flowers and gifts of computer games for the little 'uns.
Because maybe that's what Paul Whitehouse will be doing, when you're brown bread. Getting his feet under the table, shagging YOUR wife in YOUR bed and wearing YOUR fucking slippers. And your kids... now they're calling HIM Dad.
All because you didn't take out that life insurance policy with Aviva.
Masturbation innuendo no longer present in Canesten advert
So, it seems there's a new advert for Canesten's thrush treatment that doesn't include the cunning innuendo 'leaving you feeling yourself again'.
I find it very difficult - if not impossible - to believe that the original wording wasn't deliberate; either as an in-joke or as a means of making the ad stand out.
Still, regrettably, there's a new version that rewords the final line as 'you'll soon feel like yourself again'.
Booo! Bring back the wanking gag!
Check out the original and the version currently airing below.